Dear Secular Media,
Stop covering the election of Pope Francis!
I will now present my reasons why.
1. If you're going to cover a religiously historical event, at least go for a little objectivity. I cannot count the times I have read the phrases "the scandalous Catholic Church," "an out-dated, dying religion," or "a time of strife and concern for the Catholic Church." (These quotes are not verbatim, but see an example in the first sentence here.) Using reason, I could make what I believe to be several solid arguments stating the same for the United States of America, what I and many consider to be a scandalous, dying nation in a time of strife and concern. However, I know better than to plaster my opinion all over an article without using any sources or facts to back up my claims.
2. Do not speak about things you don't understand. I don't need reasons to back up this claim, but I will provide them. Odds are that if you write for the media, you are not a Roman Catholic. Furthermore, your chances of being a practicing Catholic, let alone an orthodox one, are significantly decreased. Therefore, to write about whether or not the newly elected pope could move the Catholic Church "forward" on such topics as homosexual marriage, contraception, or women priests (to name just a few) is simply laughable.
Let this be the definitive statement on the Catholic Church's position on controversial statements: It is not possible for the Catholic Church to teach acceptance of the practices of homosexual marriage, contraception, or women priests, among many other controversial issues.
That's it. Bottom line. No exceptions, no distant or remote chances of change, nothing. It is more likely that a human being would walk to Mars wearing nothing but his skivvies, or a whale to survive for forty years in a desert while playing cards with an anthropomorphic representation of truth in the form of an animate Persian lantern. That is actual Church teaching (only maybe not in those exact words...the Latin word for skivvies is "interulus".) The Catholic Church is unchanging.
Now, this is not to say that it is impossible for the pope to promulgate contraception; it is unlikely, but entirely possible. He is still a man, a human with free-will. However, was this to be the case, that "church" would cease to be the Catholic Church. They would no longer be actual Catholics. This has, in fact, happened on several occasions (see Avignon Papacy or Sedevacantism.) But the actual Catholic Church, the one, true Church, remains with the same doctrines it has taught since its origin over two-thousand years ago (making it approximately 4.07 times older than all other Christian denominations, 8.44 times older than the United States of America, 153.85 times older than Crossroads community church in Cincinnati, and 222.23 times older than Facebook.)
I used the word skivvies. I invented a (really clever) fictional anthropomorphic character representing truth in the form of light (truth is light and all). I did math (math!) to compare the Church to other organizations.
That, Dear Media, is just how wrong you are.
3. Finally, nothing you ever say is true or even remotely accurate, thus disgracing the name of journalism worldwide.
That is all. Have a nice day.
Viva el papa!
